


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Back Cover

by ShieldEcho



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [10]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Foul Language, Humor, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format, obscure references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24018829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShieldEcho/pseuds/ShieldEcho
Summary: Because why not. Contains several brand new characters we'll struggle to develop any sense of attachment to, the mere concept of teamwork between friends being actively discouraged in thisKingdom Heartstitle for some reason, and an hour-long lavishly animated advertisement for a free-to-play pay-to-win mobile game oh wait that's the whole movie.
Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/197186
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	1. What Do You Mean We're Not Really Covering The Plot Of The Mobile Games?

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey it's that thing I usually do. Honestly I've been writing a KHIII parody for like the past year and mobile game stuff as it's been happening (up to a point where I got super burned out and had to take like a two-year hiatus), but I like to have things completely done before I post anything so as to not suddenly abandon any fics anymore, I hate it when people do that and I hate it even more when _I_ do that. And then I remembered that Back Cover even existed and self-isolating certainly took away any excuse I had to not write it. That being said I wrote this in like a week but I didn't want to keep the two people who still follow this series waiting anymore, plus actually starting to post things'll get me off my ass and finish the Big Hero 6 section already.
> 
> So the order's gonna be Back Cover, Unchained χ, KHIII with Re:Mind probably being its own separate thing, and then I _really_ want to wait until Union Cross is actually over before I start posting anything so we'll have to see what happens; the same thing'll be true of Dark Road when that starts. Updates'll be every Tuesday until I run out of material and unless my internet is bad.
> 
> **And wouldn't you know it I like stealing jokes from other, better people because I still think referential humor is funny:** _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Spaceballs, Harry Potter, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures,_ that one Blizzard conference, the former Super Best Friends Play channel, and anything ever owned or created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey it's that thing I usually do. Honestly I've been writing a KHIII parody for like the past year and mobile game stuff as it's been happening (up to a point where I got super burned out and had to take like a two-year hiatus), but I like to have things completely done before I post anything so as to not suddenly abandon any fics anymore, I hate it when people do that and I hate it even more when _I_ do that. And then I remembered that Back Cover even existed and self-isolating certainly took away any excuse I had to not write it. That being said I wrote this in like a week but I didn't want to keep the two people who still follow this series waiting anymore, plus actually starting to post things'll get me off my ass and finish the Big Hero 6 section already.
> 
> So the order's gonna be Back Cover, Unchained χ, KHIII with Re:Mind probably being its own separate thing, and then I _really_ want to wait until Union Cross is actually over before I start posting anything so we'll have to see what happens; the same thing'll be true of Dark Road when that starts. Updates'll be every Tuesday until I run out of material and unless my internet is bad.
> 
>  **And wouldn't you know it I like stealing jokes from other, better people because I still think referential humor is funny:** _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Spaceballs, Harry Potter, JoJo's Bizarre Adventures,_ that one Blizzard conference, the former Super Best Friends Play channel, and anything ever owned or created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Let's get this over with...~

 **Book of Prophecies probably:** *opens*

 **Scenes from the mobile game:** *start playing with a white male character in the most basic outfit set in as the player character because white men are the standard yes this will have author filibusters suck it*

 **Chirithy:** My narration will appear under these scenes that you'll struggle to read in time before it disappears off the screen because you'll be wondering why the art style of this is so different from what had been advertised for the rest of the movie.

 **Player Character:** Oh hey it's the defining moment of my life where my favorite animal amongst these five given ones will determine my entire future somehow!

 **Chirithy:** ...This story's getting pretty biblical right off the bat. Like, first darkness existed, then a planet basically made of light happened, and then I was created, and my master saw that it was good. The fuck else am I supposed to interpret that shit.

 **Player Character:** I am now fighting a Darkside with several other people. Is this in reference to members of the same party able to join each other's raids or is this in reference to the multiplayer-ish mode that is Union Cross.

 **Chirithy:** No one cares. Anyway, we pretty much start the mobile game with the Master of Masters having already died/pissed off/time traveled to the far future/who the _fuck_ even knows anymore, but before he did he finally bothered to give his six apprentices names so they could actually tell each other apart by more than their animal motifs. And then the Master gave only five of them a book that can tell the future because why the fuck not at this point and also fuck that sixth one. Oh hey, check it out, I'm being created in a test tube, ain't I adorable? Don't you want to buy all the plushies of me?

 **Player Character:** I mean I have more than enough munny but the Moogle only accepts jewels which I only get a certain amount of every day unless I fork over irl money which I am not prepared to do since I know enough people with gambling problems and want to avoid that outcome as much as possible—

 **Chirithy:** It's not gambling, shut up. Anyway, the five who were actually allowed to read into the future weren't exactly pleased to know that a war was gonna happen on their turf. Fans of the series, on the other hand, were actually super excited to finally gain some insight into this great Keyblade War that had been hyped up for years and years, unknowing of the fact that it won't even be covered in this movie or in the mobile game proper unless they'd already played the Japan-only browser game years before the mobile game was released and would otherwise have to wait until the story quests were well into the eight hundreds or so before finally releasing that section of the plot as a sort of side quest long after many had quit the game. It was...frustrating for everyone. Oh and also it would cause the apocalypse or something. And there's me talking to myself – well, another version of me, but still. Anyway, the foretellers wanted to use the book that told exactly how the future was going to play out to try and change exactly how the future was going to play out. I mean, some of them wanted to and others were down to just let shit happen, but we'll get into that when the movie's actually allowed to progress. Also evidently none of them had heard of the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 **Player Character with a few NPCs:** WE'RE CHILDREN! WE'RE CHILDREN! WE'RE CHILDREN! WE'RE CHILDREN!

 **Chirithy:** In a vain effort to protect the light, the foretellers harnessed the power of the future somehow, which explains all the Disney bullshit that all the player characters and everyone else can use to grind for levels, or at least what passes for levels. Is it past 500 yet, my player character left when they'd just upped it and they couldn't get enough lux to even hit 301.

 **Ira:** Why doesn't anyone on the light side in other games use the light equivalent of dark corridors to teleport around like we could, it'd save a lot of time and effort.

 **Chirithy:** The foretellers all basically had the same goal in mind with vastly different ideas on how to get there that none of them could agree on so virtually nothing was done. Isn't escapism wonderful? Also don't give up hope or whatever.

 **Unchained X footage:** *exists, going way past where the mobile game was at the time of 2.8's release and also showing scenes that wouldn't even be in the mobile game except, again, as a fucking _side quest_ years later*

 **Chirithy:** ...Why is my monologue repeating, I know no one read it the first time but are you really that desperate to fill the screen with something to kill time, you could just let the scenes speak for themselves, you know.

 **Ephemer:** I'M IMPORTANT!

 **Ava:** Sure, Jan.

 **Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** We're also in this game!

 **Player Character:** ... _How._

 **Gaston:** ...Legit forgot this was in Unchained, thought it was in Union for some reason.

 **Player Character:** Oh good. Wonderland. Again.

 **Alice:** Ain't it fun?

 **Player Character:** Not really. Least we get to check out the Underworld again, that's something vaguely different. I mean, we've seen it before but only the once so it's not overly repetitious.

 **Fluffy:** Grr. Argh.

 **Cloud:** I want this outfit to be unlockable in a future FFVIIR game, Nomura controls everything, he could do it. Also ow.

 **Hades:** HA HA!

 **Player Character:** FUCKING AGRABAH.

 **Aladdin:** Oh you love it.

 **Player Character:** KINGDOM HEARTS MADE ME HATE YOUR MOVIE.

 **Aladdin:** Well if you want something different, we're not even gonna fight Jafar for a change!

 **Player Character:** Oh. That _is_ a bit refreshing, actually—

 **Aladdin:** In Unchained. You'll have to in Union. While waiting for months and months for relevant updates with minimal story.

 **Player Character:** ...Fucking Agrabah...

 **Evil Queen from Snow White:** Rocks fall, everyone dies. It's how it be.

 **Snow White, Prince Charming, and the Seven Dwarves:** *burst into song* _DING DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD!_

 **Chirithy:** My monologue's repeating _again!?_ You _really_ couldn't think of anything better or at least longer? Lame!

 **Skuld:** I exist and I might be important it's not clear. Honestly if we were important we wouldn't be trapped on mobile, I don't care how much money it makes Squeenix or that nearly everyone has a phone, I despise the predatory nature of the industry and am also not a huge fan of this art style and hate that Dark Road is gonna be exactly the same. *pause* Still gonna play it for at least a year before I get too frustrated and find something better to do with my life and just look up cutscenes forever after.

 **Aced and Invi:** *are having a sick Keyblade battle that looks way better than anything the player character will be doing in-game* THIS WILL ACTUALLY BE ADDRESSED IN THIS MOVIE AND IS BASICALLY THE ONLY THING OUT OF THIS ENTIRE MONTAGE THAT WILL!

 **Ira:** Come at me, bro.

 **Player Character:** Well this is gonna suck.

 **Skuld:** Why didn't _I_ get a cameo in KHIII...

 **Ava:** FOOLED YOU!

 **Player Character:** I'm beginning to think I'm not a huge fan of your methods.

 **Ava:** *talking to the Dandelions* This will be the ending of the movie and be really frustrating for anyone watching it who was expecting more than for Squeenix to just show off KHIII's engine before the game actually came out while doubling as an overly expensive hour-long ad for the mobile game(s). GET HYPED!

 **Dandelions:** Uh...no?

 **Player Character:** Please let this be but a simple sparring match between comrades.

 **Two NPCs:** Nope, trying to murder each other over house points!

 **Player Character:** This game is dumb. *intervenes*

 **Nightmare Chirithy:** *evolves into biggerer, scarier Nightmare thing*

 **Player Character:** This game is _awesome!_

 **Nightmare Chirithy:** *dissolves into darkness*

 **Player Character:** ...You good?

 **Chirithy:** Oh yeah, just having an existential crisis over the blatant showcasing of my own mortality.

 **Player Character:** Okay, great!

 **Chirithy:** Also my monologue is now repeating a fourth time.

 **Ava:** *slashes down at Luxu with her Keyblade* THIS IS IN NO WAY IMPORTANT!

 **Wind:** *blows*

 **Clock tower:** *actually functions for once*

 **Keyblade War:** *happens*

 **Children:** *come together on a deserted landscape that may or may not be the same planet as Daybreak Town to all happily murder each other*

 **Aced:** *beats the player character repeatedly while they're down*

 **Ira:** *intervenes* Dude. The fuck.

 **Surrounding children:** WE LOVE MURDERING EACH OTHER!

 **Player Character:** *is overcome with despair* _THEY'RE JUST FUCKING HOUSE POINTS!_ *collapses to their knees as the hearts of dead children rise into the air*

 **Chirithy:** *is lying on their chest as a bright light shines above them*

 **Player Character:** And on top of me failing to stop all of my fellow children from murdering each other, I now have a headache, great.

 **Kingdom Hearts Back Cover logo:** *exists* DOWNLOAD THE FREE MOBILE GAME AND END UP GIVING US MORE MONEY THAN YOU EVER DID FOR THE CONSOLE GAMES.

 **Sane people with a semblance of a life:** ...No.

~Two years of my life on that shit...~

 **Clock gear:** *is turning*

 **The words “Case of Luxu”:** *appear on the bottle of a bubbling purple chemical/potion/thing*

 **Luxu:** Who would've thought...

 **Master of Masters:** Yeah, that reveal sure was something, huh. *is turning the pages of probably the Book of Prophecies while sitting in front of a bunch of other beakers full of mysterious liquid that'll never be used or revealed and are only there because SCIENCE!*

 **Luxu:** ...Been standing here for a while now...

 **Master of Masters:** So if you count me you're actually the seventh of our group. And since seven's the most powerfully magical number, that basically makes you the most important. No pressure!

 **Luxu:** I feel a little pressure.

 **Master of Masters:** You'll get over it. Unless you don't want to count me in your number at all?

 **Luxu:** I mean I always thought of us students as a separate group from you, but I don't want you to feel left out.

 **Master of Masters:** Aww, thanks! *closes the book, sets it down on the desk, and gets up from his chair* Check this shit out. *summons his very familiar looking Keyblade* Pretty cool, right?

 **Luxu:** Very!

 **Master of Masters:** Glad you think so, 'cause it's yours now.

 **Luxu:** … *head tilt* Okay...? *reaches out and accepts it*

 **Chirithy:** I am now the narrator apparently. Also which are you unable to unhear, Kari from Digimon or Haru from Beastars?

 **Master of Masters:** Kari.

 **Luxu:** Haru.

 **Master of Masters:** Are you even old enough for that show!?

 **Luxu:** Probably not.

 **Chirithy:** So this moment right here is actually the most important part of this movie, basically, but we're not really gonna get into that until maybe KHIV or the game that'll come after Dark Road or who even knows at this point, this was written only a few months after Re:Mind came out, we're all flying blind here.

 **A cloudy sky over a vast landscape of forested hills with a massive town lodged between them:** *exists*

 **Chirithy:** Either the universe was all connected back in the day or it was basically just this one planet, it's not a hundred percent clear.

 **Clock tower:** *is considerably more elaborate than the one in Twilight Town*

 **Chirithy:** One day, this would be called the age of fairy tales, completely bypassing the fact that most of the common fairy tales known to western audiences would've taken place millenia from now but shut up this is what we're going with. Also isn't Daybreak Town pretty, I've always liked the original planets Nomura comes up with. Anyway, the Master of Masters could basically see into the future by transplanting one of his eyeballs into his Keyblade and letting that be passed down generation after generation after generation, gathering hundreds if not thousands of years of knowledge. He then used that knowledge to write a single volume of a single book that was thinner than your average _Harry Potter_ book, because that makes sense. Unless that book was somehow bigger on the inside, it's possible I guess, there's enough timey-wimey bullshit going on with this series now so why the fuck not. He then gave a copy of said book to five out of his six apprentices because between you and me I'm not sure Luxu knows how to read. And yet _Aced_ might. Sad, really.

 **Master of Masters:** I am standing on the clock tower imposingly. And now I'm on top of a grassy hill. Teleportation's fun, I don't know why the supposed good side rarely bothers in the future.

 **Ira:** *approaches him*

 **The words “Case of Ira”:** *are written on a nearby signpost even though we're not really done with Luxu's bit yet but whatever I guess*

 **Master of Masters:** You finished reading already?

 **Ira:** Yeah, I'm a pretty fast reader. But I'm still analyzing it—

 **Master of Masters:** I'll be real, I kinda just expected you to skim it.

 **Ira:** Do I look like Aced to you?

 **Master of Masters:** Fair enough.

 **Ira:** Also, about the coming apocalypse...

 **Master of Masters:** Yeah it's not great, but at least we know it's a real event that will take place instead of just a story in a fictitious book holding a collection of stories that are really just metaphors for how to be a good person in a specific time period that people _think_ are historical/future events that actually happened.

 **Ira:** That's...not as comforting as you seem to think it is.

 **Master of Masters:** Oh get over yourself. Also if I die you're in charge. *sits down on the ground*

 **Ira:** Wait, what!?

 **Master of Masters:** Well the terminology we're using for some reason is “disappear”, which could very well be literal, but it might also mean that I just fuck off to another planet; hell, it could mean that I time travel to the far-flung future, who the fuck knows. Oh, and this is all hypothetical, by the way.

 **Ira:** No it isn't.

 **Master of Masters:** No it is not! Point is, if there comes a point where you can't find me anymore, you're in charge, cool? Cool.

 **Ira:** You're just gonna use one of Sticky Fingers's zippers to portal out of here, aren't you.

 **Master of Masters:** Probably!

 **Ira:** Fantastic...Good thing this is a no-pressure situation, then...

 **Master of Masters:** Huh? No, _all_ of the pressure! Also this universe is mostly light at this point, with a bunch of different planets all connecting it together. *picks a dandelion* Either one metaphorical light watches over us in like a spiritual sense or we're all orbiting the same sun, not sure which. It better be the second one, I just took a massive dump on one of the biggest religions out there, itself a collection of smaller ones because no one can agree on any specific point, which is honestly my favorite thing about it, I love the drama of infighting. Not that I'm foreshadowing anything!

 **Ira:** …

 **Master of Masters:** My point is, the eventual heat death of the universe'll happen, and then all the planets will be destroyed anyway, so who cares.

 **Ira:** The fuck is this supposed to connect to Kingdom Hearts.

 **Master of Masters:** I mean, that's probably the huge metaphorical light I was talking about. At least the Door Edition is, the Moon Edition's a little more complicated. Point is, if that light fades, the universe'll be enveloped in darkness. And without the warmth of that light, shit won't grow and we'll all freeze to death. I think I'm talking about the sun again. This franchise is weird, I get easily confused. Many years ago, I used to be very sure of myself when I said things. That time has passed. I am no longer certain of anything, other than my own human frailty.

 **Ira:** That's nice, but you gave us Keyblades to fight off the personifications of darkness, right? To protect Kingdom Hearts and prevent it from going out?

 **Master of Masters:** Pfft, no! *gets up*

 **Ira:** ...Wait, what?

 **Master of Masters:** There's gonna be a massive war that causes the apocalypse, didn't you read the ending? You're gonna need weapons for said war. Then the darkness'll win and everyone will die, it's gonna be great.

 **Ira:** ...Okay but shouldn't we try to, Iunno, _prevent_ that shit?

 **Master of Masters:** *stretching* Enh... _nah._

 **Ira:** Why the fuck not!?

 **Master of Masters:** You've played the other games in this series, right? The ones that actually count as games; the ones that people bother to give a shit about? They've been talking about a great Keyblade War for forever, or at least Xehanort has. How is the main villain of the main franchise supposed to want to recreate a horrific event that happened who knows how long previously if there's no horrific event to recreate?

 **Ira:** So you want us to just let all of the teenagers — the _children_ that we are charged with _protecting _to murder each other over _nothing!?_ While we in turn do _nothing!?___

__**Master of Masters:** Basically, yeah. We need to work on the aftermath, that's more important than the lead-up._ _

__**Ira:** But the lead-up's arguably more interesting!_ _

__**Master of Masters:** Maybe, but the script's already been written, we can't change it, we're just characters in a story._ _

__**Ira:** Enough with the metaphors, what about the lives that are already here right now!? You still haven't given me a good enough reason why we should just let them all get murdered horribly!_ _

__**Master of Masters:** Bro, there are only seven of us, and if we trust this to the masses there'll be mass panic and the war might happen even sooner as people give up hope and darkness takes over even faster._ _

__**Ira:** But the people deserve to know! And if we can at least get enough small children with access to their mother's credit cards or actual gambling addicts to play this piece of shit—_ _

__**Master of Masters:** You realize you're risking a self-fulfilling prophecy by interfering anyway, right?_ _

__**Ira:** We won't know unless we try! At least _if_ we try, I'll feel less guilty maybe because at least then I can look back and say that I did everything I could!_ _

__**Master of Masters:** ...Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, good luck with that. *walks off*_ _

__~What an uplifting beginning to this story.~_ _

__**Master of Masters:** *is standing on that same hill, either again or while waiting for Ira*_ _

__**Dandelion seeds:** *float around in front of him and suddenly turn into five Keyblades with epic music playing in the background*_ _

__**Ira:** *grabs his Keyblade out of the air*_ _

__**Chirithy:** So Ira took over after the Master died/vanished/time traveled/whatever, brazenly defying gender norms by wearing a pretty unicorn mask over his face at all times; these people are really dedicated to their animal motifs, I'm just waiting for them to start up a proper furry convention like we all know they want to._ _

__**Invi:** *appears floating behind Ira over a massive stain glass circular heart thing, holding her own Keyblade*_ _

__**Chirithy:** I think Invi might be trying to decrease most people's hatred of snakes or something because she's like the least blameworthy person here maybe despite being tasked with basically spying on everyone at all times. She's also the only one who has her mouth covered as well most of the time, which they should all be keeping six feet apart anyway...Also what the fuck is virtuous supposed to mean in this context, I thought religion wasn't much of a thing in this franchise._ _

__**Aced:** *slings his Keyblade over his shoulder like a boss*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Oh good, this idiot. Like, I know I should be making obvious bear jokes, but he's just so fucking annoying. He's meant to be fearless but most of the time that probably means he's too stupid to actually realize he's in danger. He's also huge and imposing and values strength above everything, and he _really_ doesn't like it when you insult his intelligence and tends to draw his Keyblade at the drop of a hat. Which makes him terrifying for I am tiny and defenseless. Not a fan; I prefer my idiots to acknowledge their idiocy, or at least be at a stature where they'd be easier to handle. Why the Master made him a foreteller at all much less Ira's second in command is anyone's guess. SURE HOPE NO JEALOUSY ISSUES ARISE!_ _

__**Ava:** *stands before Ira with her mouth slightly open, holding her Keyblade*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Close your mouth, mouth-breather._ _

__**Ava:** I have a cold!_ _

__**Chirithy:** Fuck you. Fucking fox fursona, I can't remember who but someone once pointed out that furries have one of the most creative outlets for their passion there is and yet nearly everyone modifies the same fucking wolf/fox head. I get they all achieved their sexual awakening by watching Disney's _Robin Hood_ but come on; at least the other four are _somewhat_ original. Also why the fuck are they trying to live-action that shit, you already made _Zootopia,_ please stop doing what you're doing. *sighs* Anyway Ava's the most important one or whatever, being the only one to actually succeed in saving lives. I'm now hung up on how I have been once again pronouncing someone's name wrong for over a year because no one voice acts in the mobile game except very occasionally and only in the Japanese version I think it's been a while._ _

__**Gula:** *holds his Keyblade by his side*_ _

__**Chirithy:** And then there's this clown. Dope leopard mask, but this one's job (that the rest know about anyway) is to basically sit around all day and read the same book over and over again, analyzing the same passages repeatedly. Here's hoping he doesn't miss the point of the book completely and only focus on the bits that directly support his worldview while ignoring anything that contradicts or directly goes against what he's decided is the only thing that matters!_ _

__**Luxu:** *is dragging a large black trunk I mean box along a deserted landscape while holding his Master's Keyblade in his hands*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Turns out I was lying about Ava earlier; _this_ motherfucker's the most important one, nearly keep forgetting about him since he's barely involved except he totally is and now it's _impossible_ to forget about him. Anyway, he's also spying on all his friends as they all fly blind and will only show up for the beginning of the apocalypse before fucking off again for thousands and thousands of years before showing up in a way that a few people probably did see coming but I'm dumb so I didn't._ _

__**Master of Masters:** *gazes at Daybreak Town with his hands behind his back before turning and walking away*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Probably should've clarified: It was only after giving everyone their roles and giving Luxu a head start that the Master fucked off._ _

__~Oh right, we have to properly tie this into the mobile game so people will download it.~_ _

__**Random male NPC that's supposed to be the Player Character:** *stands in front of the fountain in the middle of town and holds aloft the starting Starlight Keyblade that'll be usable in KHIII*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Yep, that's you. You're probably wondering how you ended up in this situation. Well...go play the fucking mobile game to find out, we're not covering that here._ _

__**A bunch of NPCs that could all be stand-ins for player characters:** *ignoring the Darkside they're facing to stare at Chirithy* But isn't the lore in that game super important? If you want every single game on one system, why _not_ adapt it here?_ _

__**Chirithy:** Why would we bother doing that?_ _

__**Random female NPC:** Hey, uh, just wondering, is this an out-of-season April Fools joke?_ _

__**Chirithy:** ...Uh, no? It's a-It's a fully-fledged, uh, Kingdom Hearts experience on mobile which everybody will get to play._ _

__**Different male NPC:** Is there any plans to make this playable on consoles? Or is this strictly mobile forever._ _

__**Chirithy:** I mean it _was_ available on PC for a while if you read and understood Japanese, but the current plan is to be on mobile, both Android and IOS, though it won't be available on the Amazon app store for a bit; if you want it on your Kindle Fire you'll have to cheat like hell to get Google Play so you can get it within the first couple years or so of launch. We don't have any plans at the moment to do any other platform._ _

__**All the NPCs:** *start booing super hard*_ _

__**Chirithy:** *frustrated* Do you guys not have phones!?_ _

__**Random male NPC:** I'm on a shared data plan with my parents, we only have six gigs of data between us, and I'm not always in a spot where I can leech off someone's wifi! I get in enough trouble accidentally leaving the YouTube app open when I leave the house!_ _

__**Random female NPC:** Not a guy, and I only have like five gigs worth of storage space and I need that for music and podcasts to use as coping mechanisms to temporarily escape my depression, I don't have _room_ for any unnecessary apps!_ _

__**Different male NPC:** My family has a history of gambling problems and I have very strong completionist tendencies when it comes to video games; I just know the pay-to-win strategy of literally every single mobile game ever made will trigger something that'll ruin my life. How the fuck am I supposed to avoid that other than not playing and thereby missing out on incredibly crucial lore details as it turns out!?_ _

__**Chirithy:** Honestly it doesn't matter, this movie isn't even about you, it's about your heads of houses I mean union leaders who you rarely see and who honestly don't have much of an impact on your lives anyway besides Ava._ _

__**NPCs:** ...Wait what?_ _

__**Chirithy:** Yep. Remember, kids. You are not the future. So back to the history of the foretellers—_ _

__**NPCs:** But how is the story mode of whichever version of UX this is not important!?_ _

__**Chirithy:** Look I know self-insert stories make you feel special but get over yourselves, it's not always about you. *forcibly cuts away to an image of the foretellers standing before the Master of Masters* So! The Master of Masters had ordered the foretellers to create five separate groups of Keyblade wielders that anyone could join or transfer to at any point depending on what their favorite animal of the five offered was, so it was less of your life being determined by a pointless personality quiz and more of the creation of an even more childish “MY FURSONA IS BETTER THAN YOURS” mentality. And either everyone went with Ava because they'd looked up the original browser game and knew that she was the most important of these five morons, or the fox fursona really is as popular as it is for a reason. Or people just like dogs and fox was as close as they were gonna get._ _

__**Light:** *shines through a window*_ _

__**Chirithy:** Instead of collecting hearts like in KHII, the Keyblade wielders would collect small fragments of light that would appear whenever a Heartless was defeated. This light, called lux, were basically house points from _Harry Potter_ if they were actually somewhat useful because player characters get to use them to level up until they're capped off, after which point they have to wait around for a higher level cap again which could take months if not years. WHAT A GREAT GAME._ _

__**Kingdom Hearts χ [chi] —Back Cover—:** *appears onscreen*_ _

__~Legit forgot the original Japanese browser game was just called χ.~_ _


	2. We're Foretellers Of The Round Table; We Witch-Hunt Whene'er We're Able

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Don't know why I didn't write this ages ago, just taking notes on cutscenes is way easier than playing a game oh right attempting to keep up with Union gave me severe burnout I forgot:** _Monty Python and the Holy Grail,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Monty Python's Life of Brian, Fullmetal Alchemist, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Isn't it great to be part of a work environment where no one trusts each other and you're all barely friends to start with?~

**Light:** *continues to shine through the stain glass windows of the foretellers' meeting room*

**Ava, Invi, and Gula:** *sit on or at the round table*

**Aced:** *practices swinging his Keyblade*

**Ira:** *kind of just stands there before stepping forward* ...I don't want to alarm any of you but I'm pretty sure one of you's betrayed us at some point.

**The other four:** *stare at him*

**Invi:** ...Okay but what gives you that idea? Do you have any proof of—

**Aced:** SHE DEMANDED TO SEE PROOF ONLY GUILTY PEOPLE ASK FOR PROOF IT'S TOTALLY HER SHE WEARS A SNAKE MASK.

**Ira:** This isn't _L.A. Noire,_ Aced, calm your tits. *summons an image of a Chirithy* And here's your proof right here.

**Ava:** ...That supposed to be a darker Chirithy or something? I can't really tell, the image is transparent and kind of sparkly; honestly at first glance it looked normal.

**Invi:** *stands up* HOLY FUCK NO ONE TOLD ME CHIRITHIES WERE DREAM EATERS! Fuck, that'd make this one a Nightmare, wouldn't it...

**Ava:** ...You were there when the first one was created, Invi, what the shit.

**Invi:** Hey, I'm absorbing knowledge as it's presented to me.

**Ira:** Speaking of, it's about time for a flashback wait why is the camera zooming in on me OH NO—

~I know it's heavily implied that Chirithy's a Spirit in the mobile game but I was stupid and didn't realize it until it was spelled out in this movie.~

**Naked Chirithy in a test tube:** *is twitching slightly as the Dream Eater theme plays in the background further cementing its status*

**Master of Masters:** *places the test tube on the desk*

**Ava:** *jogs up to them and we get a glimpse of their back where a Dream Eater logo that's usually hidden by their tiny cape thing is there in full view* IT'S A PUPPY I WANT ONE.

**Master of Masters:** Calm down, everyone's gonna get one. And I mean _everyone._ Shit's gonna get crazy pretty soon, but these little Spirits'll be there to lighten the load or at least brighten people's days or something. I calls 'em Chirithy. Every one of them. None of them get nicknames so don't even try.

**Gula:** But it's a cat, not a ghost.

**Master of Masters:** Yeah I don't know why the good versions are called Spirits either. *picks up the vial again* I mean they _are_ gonna be pets, at least until we give player characters the ability to unlock actual pets. *pokes at the vial* Aaaaand I don't really feel like explaining what a Dream Eater actually is, you've all played 3D, right? It came on this disk, after all!

**Ava:** *hides the YouTube video of Back Cover she was watching on her phone* ...Sure?

**Master of Masters:** Okay, great! *puts the vial back down again* Oh and also if a Keyblade wielder turns evil then their Chirithy will change their color pallet to match. Forget about the part where we could just change their color when the fuck ever in 3D to the point where if we wanted a black Dream Eater we could just throw black paint in their face until they looked how we wanted them to look; here it means they're _EVIL!_

**Ira:** *actual dialogue* So you're telling us that if we see a Nightmare...

**Invi:** *actual dialogue* Someone has fallen into darkness.

**Master of Masters:** *massages his temples* Yes, that is exactly what I just fucking said, learn to listen. Anyway, you'll probably have to murder that Chirithy at that point or they'll go and infect everyone around it with depression and evil. Have fun killing adorable creatures!

**Aced:** *actual dialogue* So, if we see one of those Nighmares anywhere, we have to get rid of it on the spot.

**Master of Masters:** *grinding his teeth* How did you not understand that the first time, I was speaking very clearly—

**Ava:** I WILL NOT LET YOU EVER HARM SUCH AN INNOCENT PUPPY HOW _DARE_ YOU!

**Master of Masters:** B...But I just said—

**Gula:** Hey everyone, let's make fun of Aced for wanting to do exactly what the Master just ordered all of us to do and ignore Ava's apparent defiance!

**Aced:** He's standing right there, you know—

**Ava:** OOOH! You're dressed like a bear, so you should growl at the Nightmares instead! That'll do the trick!

**Master of Masters:** It really won't.

**Aced:** I am considering this for some reason.

**Ira:** I guess this dialogue is cringe-funny? I never understood cringe-humor, I just get second-hand anxiety, why am I trying to hide laughter.

**Aced:** ...WAIT A MINUTE, YOU WERE MAKING FUN OF MY INTELLIGENCE, WEREN'T YOU!? *steps forward scarily*

**Master of Masters:** Okay yeah making fun of your _lack_ of intelligence is amusing enough to me that I'm willing to drop this for now, even though you're the only one in the room who was actually right for once. Damn, hopefully Ava's open rebellion won't cause problems later. Oh who am I kidding, of course it will. This is gonna be great!

**Everyone else:** *is too busy laughing at Aced to notice the Master's obvious evil plans*

**Aced:** Why do I hang out with you people when all you do is demean me.

~HEY DID YOU KNOW THAT THE DIALOGUE IN KINGDOM HEARTS IS SOMETIMES NOT GREAT.~

**Aced:** Is the flashback over yet, 'cause I'd like to proclaim that I'm not the traitor even if I'm one of the most likely candidates. Honestly for most of the movie it'll between me and Gula and the movie'll mostly point in my direction, but it's still not me!

**Gula:** In that vein, why not just summon our Spirits? If one of them is a Nightmare, boom, we're the traitor.

**Invi:** And who's to stop us from summoning one of the Chirithies of one of the wielders in our unions? Some idiot in Ava's group led a big animal rights march thing and now we can't spray paint our animals in the face anymore, meaning they all look exactly alike. It'll be physically impossible to tell any of them apart.

**Ava:** On that note, *slams her hands down on the table* how do you even know that's one of ours when we have hundreds of thousands of Chirithies roaming this town!? And, you know what? At the time ShieldEcho last played, I had the biggest union, so the balance of probability means that it's probably a wielder from my union. I accept full responsibility and will gladly accept punishment on their behalf so we can put this ridiculous mole bullshit behind us. Also has anyone else noticed how ornate our sick-ass table is.

**Ira:** The table is very nice, yes. But to refute your claim, do any of you remember the power bangles given to player characters early on in the game? Now none of us usually give a shit what our wielders do as they're not our responsibility in the slightest—

**Ava:** That...what!?

**Ira:** —but I'm actually vaguely sure that Nightmares are responsible for fucking with them.

**Ava:** Hold up, I thought the bangles collected dark energy from a defeated enemy and transformed it into light. Isn't that where lux comes from?

**Ira:** No, player characters can still collect enough lux to reach level twenty or get past quest thirty-four without said bangles.

**Ava:** ...But we still all agreed that the bangles were totally fine.

**Ira:** Well it turns out we were wrong. If the wielders do more than just collect light with it...if they use the Nova ability given to them by the bangle, then they're basically using the powers of evil to fight, which may well be corrupting them.

**Gula:** And there's no way we can talk the wielders out of using that free move because in some cases it can mean the line between winning and wasting hundreds of jewels on continues, or even getting that extra completion bonus for winning on their first turn. Our kids've got problems. I mean, it doesn't exactly disprove your theory that that Chirithy could've only come from one of us five. I'm with Ava, it could be the Chirithy of literally anyone on this planet and there is no way to tell whose it really is.

**Ava:** The hell're we supposed to get everyone who joins the game now to _not_ equip a bangle once they've gotten to level twenty, it's a built-in feature now...

**Aced:** *slams his own hand on the table* Okay, let's just focus on damage control. What do we do now and how do we figure out who's doing this.

**Ira:** Okay so Ava mentioned that we all agreed the bangles were fine, which means we all agreed that giving everyone an extra method of attack was a good idea. Which further means that one of us must've been the one that tampered with them.

**Invi:** I don't think any of us actually did; I think we just misunderstood their true potential in the moment and went with mass distribution before fully testing them or realizing the full implications of what they could do. Also I still want further proof because this still seems like conjecture to me.

**Aced:** Also you started a witch hunt and now none of us are going to trust each other ever again. You really should've kept this to yourself, at least until you came up with more concrete information. Unless of course _you're_ the traitor and coming clean about the fact that there is one is a way to deflect attention.

**Gula:** ...Anyone else think the Master _wants_ us to buy in to all this traitor bullshit in order to pit us against each other and thereby make our unions antsy with each other which'll kick-start the apocalypse in the first place?

**Ava:** Wait wait wait wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Are you implying that the person who never shows his face or reveals his name while wearing an outfit most commonly associated with villainy might have done something _bad?_

**Gula:** Well when you say it out loud like that it sounds ridiculous, I rescind my comment.

**Ava:** Damn right!

**Aced:** *is still talking to Ira* At the very least, you couldn't have been so naive as to think that whoever it was would just come clean the instant you laid out that accusation. That was a dumb.

**Ira:** _Excuse!?_

**Invi:** Aced, stop being smart, you're supposed to be dumb, that is your character so fucking stick to it.

**Ava:** *sits down sadly*

**Aced:** Yeah no the Master fucked up with his choice of leadership. *goes to leave*

**Invi:** *stands* We're not done here! Where're you going!

**Aced:** I'm constipated as fuck, I'm gonna sit and cry on the toilet for a few hours while I wait for nothing to happen, excuse me. *exits, closing the door behind him*

**Gula:** *hops down from where he was sitting on the table* Well that went well. We good, 'cause I also want to leave, season four of HeroAca's been over for some time and I still haven't gotten around to finishing it, I don't know what's wrong with me. *also leaves*

**Ava:** I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE FRIENDS AGAIN THIS SUCKS FEELING BAD FEELS BAD. *also also leaves*

**Ira:** ...Okay I may have fucked that up.

**Invi:** Yeah what was up with that.

**Ira:** So I'm only going to tell you about my real suspicions about someone stealing a single page from the Book of Prophecies instead of telling everyone at large which may have actually prompted Gula to reveal that keeping hold of said lost page was the role that the Master had given him, as always happens when we're all questioned about our weird behavior. I mean, the page already details that there's a traitor anyway but at least _this_ particular suspicion would've been put to rest, you know? *opens his book* I mean, the book tells incredibly explicit details about the future but I had no idea how to prepare for this argument because the page that would've supposedly been written about it is missing from my book.

**Invi:** *opens her own book and speaks actual in-game dialogue* Ira. Are you implying that someone is in possession of the missing page? And the person with the complete Book is the traitor?

**Ira:** *groans and turns away* Yes, that is exactly what I just finished describing to you. I'm beginning to understand the Master's constant annoyance with us. And anyway, anyone with a monopoly on a piece of knowledge hidden from the rest of us could easily use that piece of knowledge against us. Just work with me on this.

**Invi:** Welp, it's not me, I seem to be missing the same page. How convenient that I flipped directly to the part of the book I needed to and had no need to corroborate which page numbers we were both on to make absolutely sure. *walks away* Ooooor the Master's just fucking with all of us. Giving a special page to only one of us could've been one of those roles he dished out, after all.

**Ira:** We have no way of knowing despite me explicitly stating earlier that Gula totally has it. Also it's not like we can just ask the Master, he's fucking dead maybe.

**Invi:** You're right, it's not like we can just ask each other what our roles are, that would involve trusting our friends and who needs that. I'll just keep spying on them and reporting back. Which is my role. In case that wasn't clear.

**Ira:** Dope. By the way, has everyone ever told you it's really distracting how asymmetrical your mask is?

**Invi:** Yep, I wear it deliberately like that to fuck with people.*starts to leave* And Ira, may your heart be your guiding key. *exits*

~I don't really know how to parody that line so I've decided not to bother.~

**Invi:** *walks into a flashback*

**The words “Case of Invi”:** *appear on one of the many moving clock gears that just operate openly in the Master's office because that's safe*

**Master of Masters:** So you cool with constantly spying on everyone you call friend because that's basically all you'll be doing from now on. *places his hand on her shoulder*

**Invi:** This is because I'm wearing the fucking snake mask, isn't it.

**Master of Masters:** Might be part of it, yeah. *pats her on the shoulder before wandering around the room* So Ira's replacing me once I'm gone, and you'll have to spy on him too, just to make things fair. But you won't have to suffer in silence; if you think they're doing something wrong, feel free to confront them about it. It's your job to make sure everyone remains friends, and to do that you'll have to constantly go behind their back and make them feel uncomfortable and suspicious of you at at every opportunity. I AM A GENIUS!

**Invi:** ...And all this is in addition to running a union, without you or Luxu to back us up.

**Master of Masters:** Pfft, the union thing'll be pretty hands off. Just greet a new character when they join and then you can basically fuck off forever. Thousands upon thousands of teenagers can look after themselves and be trusted to do the right thing with zero supervision or guidance, c'mon! They'll have the pets we manufactured for them, what more do they need? Also who knows, I might be talking out my ass with the whole 'my eventual demise' or whatever, it's not like the future's set in stone oh wait it totally is. *gasps* You're looking _forward_ to when I leave, aren't you!?

**Invi:** Well you never let me blast my music like everyone else gets to—I mean of course not!

**Master of Masters:** Look, the occasional fan cover of a song we already like is fine, but normal heavy metal gives me splitting headaches, I'm sorry. *pats her head* Also I was fucking with you, lighten up.

**Invi:** Sorry, misread that.

**Master of Masters:** No biggie. These bright lights through these windows _also_ give me headaches, Jesus...Anyway, I know no one likes change, but at least all of you are prepared for this, right? Shit needs to keep progressing or we'll never evolve as a species. If it weren't for change, I'll be real, I severely doubt you or Ava would be foretellers in the first place. You need to at least attempt to keep up with all of these changes or you'll be left alone in this little hate-filled bubble of denial and anger while everyone around you moves on to live their best lives without your toxicity. So, thoughts?

**Invi:** …

**Master of Masters:** Heh. “May your heart be your guiding key.” I know I say it all the time but do you even know what it means? What I'm trying to say is that you need to learn to think for yourself and make your own decisions based on your own judgment. You don't _need_ to follow me; you don't _need_ to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourself! All six of you are individuals! You're all different! You've all got to work it out for yourselves!

**Invi:** Tell me more!

**Master of Masters:** No! That's the point, don't let anyone tell you what to do!

**Invi:** So never listen to you or Ira ever again, got it.

**Master of Masters:** Good—wait, hold on...

~A few days later...~

**Aced:** Okay, was the meeting a few days ago or did that flashback happen a few days ago, I'm confused.

**Gula:** Not uncommon.

**Aced:** Fuck off, this movie's weirdly paced and the story in the mobile game is rarely told chronologically either. *is pacing in a warehouse full of cardboard boxes, a couple of which Gula and Ava are sitting on* Sure is a good thing that the post office went bankrupt so we had a place to hang out where no one would bother looking.

**Gula:** Oh yeah, it's great that we now have to pay fifteen thousand munny so a letter can be delivered across town instead of the usual two hundred.

**Aced:** Yeah but the old system never delivered on time anyway so it works out.

**Gula:** Because it was underpaid and understaffed! And the new system doesn't deliver if you're not home anyway and even if you _do_ make the time to be at home within the vague five-hour window they give you, _completely_ fucking up your day, sometimes they won't even bother going up to your door because they don't _feel_ like it! Things are _so much worse_ now, I'm never gonna buy from RedBubble again because not only did shipping go up three hundred percent but I don't trust that the shirt will actually reach my fucking house!

**Aced:** Let's just agree to disagree. And let's also pretend that I totally had faith in Ira the whole time and not that my ultimate goal/role is to take over should I think he fuck it up. But he totally fucked it up though. *turns to the other two* Thoughts? Do you think there even is a traitor?

**Gula:** I mean I have the lost page that details exactly what the traitor will actually end up doing but for the sake of keeping the peace I'm gonna say no. But Ira's argument was all just conjecture anyway, since he didn't tell us three that there was a missing page so I could have potentially put everything to rest except probably not we don't know what would have happened since _Ira never gave me the opportunity._

**Ava:** The whole problem with assuming there's a traitor is that Ira probably withheld his own evidence because he didn't trust us enough with it.

**Aced:** And why the fuck not!? We're his nakama for fuck's sake!

**Gula:** Again with this weeb garbage; just say friend or comrade or something like a normal person! Also let's be real, we're not that close. Now would you get to the point already? This box isn't very sturdy even for my skinny ass.

**Aced:** Fine, fine. Wanna team up?

**Ava:** ...No!? We're not supposed to form alliances!?

**Gula:** Are the five of us not already technically an alliance since we're all working together?

**Ava:** _I said alliances were forbidden!_

**Gula:** All right, all right, fuck. So, are we gonna team up to keep arguing against Ira, or...something else?

**Aced:** No, he's too stubborn and too set on letting the evidence adjust to his own opinion instead of letting it speak for itself. And no, I don't want to fight him just yet.

**Gula:** Okay, that makes me feel a bit better.

**Aced:** I know evil shit's starting to go down, _that_ much is obvious, but I don't think any of _us_ is the evil one. _I_ actually trust all of you except when I plainly don't. Unfortunately, Ira does, and he's wasting time on what I perceive to be a useless errand instead of actually fighting off the darkness. Which is why I think the three of us should team up and _actually do our original jobs._ *pauses* Also the usual tagline of this series is something along the lines of friendship being the greatest magic of all so it's really fucking weird that we're actively being discouraged from working together in this title.

**Gula:** ...Fuck, you're super right.

**Ava:** I agree with you on certain points, but the Master explicitly forbade us from combining our unions, and Invi was the only one of us given the order to think for herself and make her own decisions.

**Aced:** Ava. I'm sorry, but the Master is gone, and we do need to think for ourselves now.

**Gula:** I'm almost on your side so give me one more reason and I'm in.

**Aced:** When I'm leader, there will be changes. *poses dramatically* That day, all female Keyblade wielders all of the female Keyblade wielders will be required to wear... _TINY MINISKIRTS!_

**Gula:** Okay I'm on board.

**Ava:** Are _any_ of our kids of age.

**Gula:** Probably not but _I_ am around their age maybe so I'll be the only one who isn't creepy. Also Invi might be of age so she might be able to be sexually objectified, it's not clear. Anyway, I don't actually want my union involved in backstabbing shenaniganry so let's just keep this alliance thing between the two of us for now, yeah?

**Ava:** Oh come on!

**Aced:** Deal. *turns to Ava* You in?

**Ava:** ...As a female Keyblade wielder, will any of us be allowed to wear shorts under our skirts. Also does this apply to _any_ wielder who identifies as female, and are you going to force everyone assigned female at birth to go through with it even if they identify as something else.

**Aced:** It's only if you identify as female or are feeling female that day, and shorts underneath are absolutely forbidden.

**Ava:** Then fuck you. I am not personally comfortable in anything shorter than this robe and everyone should have the right to choose how little _or_ how much they're comfortable wearing. Also I want to keep following the rules we've already been given.

**Gula:** Yeah, for _now_...

**Aced:** Fine by me, that is in fact your choice and I will take what you said about the uniforms into account.

**Ava:** Thank you, Aced.

**Gula:** Hey, do Ira and Invi know you're doing this?

**Aced:** Oh yeah, I'm gonna tell _Ira_ about how we're forming an alliance against him. Cut me some slack, Gula, I'm not _as_ stupid as I look!

**Gula:** Fair point, my bad.

**Aced:** But I did ask Invi to join us and honestly I don't know why she's so late.

**Invi:** *walks through the door* Had to change my pad and grab a painkiller, what's up. Wait, why are Gula and Ava also here?

**Aced:** Cunning plan: We team up and have our unions join forces. Me and Gula here have already technically done so, and now—

**Invi:** Okay I know the Master told me to think for myself but I _am_ thinking for myself and I think that I should very much not do that.

**Aced:** Then try thinking harder! The apocalypse is going to happen unless we join forces together and try to stop it!

**Invi:** The Master bestowed each of us with a different role and he specifically told us to keep our unions separate to maintain the balance of power, and my judgment deems that to have been a _good_ decision. *walks forward* Any imbalance we cause could lead to jealousy, leading to desire for more power, which leads to fear, which leads to anger, which leads to hate, which leads to suffering, which leads to darkness, which leads to evil. So how can you propose such an alliance knowing all that!? Or are you so stupid that you've forgotten! Maybe you're so stupid that you've let that same stupidity lead you to the darkness yourself! I shouldn't have said that! I should _not_ have said that!

**Aced:** *clenches his fist* Oh, just because the one who's always more desperate for more power and holds physical strength as the only true goal to have is always the one who turns evil, you think I'm falling to darkness! And what about the person who always goes behind everyone's back and snitches on them to Ira at every opportunity!? No one likes a narc, Invi! Maybe _you're_ the one who's heading to the dark side given that you have no faith in any of us!

**Invi:** It is my specific role as handed to me by the Master to spy on all of you! I spy on Ira too, you know!

**Aced:** But you don't report what you spy on _him_ back to _him,_ do you!? It's just the three of us! And was _that_ in the job description the Master gave you?

**Invi:** I need to talk to _someone,_ Aced, this is a lonely fucking job!

**Gula:** Wait, why're we talking to her about secret alliances when she's gonna tell Ira about this anyway...

**Aced:** Oh, I get it. The two of _you_ have already formed an alliance to _further_ go behind our backs!

**Invi:** Oh, like you and Gula are planning to do right now!?

**Ava:** I think staying out of this was a wise decision...

~I feel like had this not been a baby series for babies this would've been the part where Aced accused Ira and Invi of sleeping together or something.~

**Clock tower:** *exists*

**Daybreak Town:** *also exists*

**Fountain:** *also also exists*

**Ava:** *sitting on the edge of the fountain* How can every party hub exist with people wandering around this specific fountain all at the same time. Also I hate how all of my friends are fighting amongst each other I guess.

**Ephemer:** *walks up to her* MASTER AVA I'M GONNA HAVE A TINY-ASS CAMEO IN KINGDOM HEARTS III I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!

**Ava:** Who even are you.

**Ephemer:** ...We literally just talked like a week ago and it's implied we meet up way more often than that.

**Ava:** Wait, gimme a sec...Ephemera?

**Ephemer:** Just Ephemer, lose the “a” at the end.

**Ava:** Huh, liked my version better but okay...

**Ephemer:** ...So am I, like, allowed to talk to you?

**Ava:** ...Fuck it, why not.

**Ephemer:** Cool. *sits on the fountain next to her* ...Why the long face?

**Ava:** It's a fox mask, it's supposed to have a long face.

**Ephemer:** No I mean why do you look so sad _under_ the fox mask.

**Ava:** I am under no obligation to answer any of your questions and you should really learn to mind your own business.

**Ephemer:** Aw come on, maybe I can help!

**Ava:** I just said no, learn to take it as an answer.

**Ephemer:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Ava:** Hmm. Okay! Remember that thing we talked about last time?

**Ephemer:** Clearly better than you do, yes.

**Ava:** About why the unions compete against each other instead of working together?

**Ephemer:** Again, I was there, I remember the thing that is still bothering me quite clearly.

**Ava:** Cool, 'cause frankly I have no idea why shit's like this either.

**Ephemer:** Is this the first time you've actually bothered to question what your Master taught you since you were always so adamant about agreeing with him before?

**Ava:** I mean, I'm still basically like that, but it doesn't exactly mean that I have to be one hundred percent happy about it. In our last conversation you evidently went on about how shit on this planet made little to no sense and that you wanted to see what was actually going on for yourself, no matter what you were told to do otherwise. I also want this for everyone on this planet. I didn't get to hear what the Master had told Invi so I don't even know that she seems to be the only one with the freedom to decide things for herself and to choose her own path. I want that freedom of choice for myself, and for everyone else on this planet.

**Ephemer:** ...So even those in positions of power who always seem to know what they're doing have their moments of doubt and directionlessness at times. I don't know why but that makes me feel a bit better about my own life. Now tell me everything about the Book of Prophecies.

**Ava:** Fuck you.

**Ephemer:** I implore you to reconsider?

**Ava:** Not gonna work every single time.

**Ephemer:** Yes it will!

**Ava:** Yes it will. Except this time because, again, fuck you.

**Ephemer:** I guess that's fair.

**Ava:** WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST GET ALONG AND BE FRIENDS AND AGREE TO DISAGREE ON WHAT THEIR FAVORITE ANIMAL/FURSONA IS, FUCK'S SAKE.

**Ephemer:** Ooooh, great segue! I actually met someone from another union today and I think we're friends now! They don't talk much; I don't know if they're actually mute or if UX is meant to have a silent protagonist except for certain quests where it turns out they can not only talk but are quite verbose, but they certainly didn't talk to me at all and I'm fine with that. Whenever they're ready, you know? Anyway, we're planning to meet up again tomorrow unless I decide to do something stupid on my own which I will.

**Ava:** ...So you won't assume a stranger's pronouns and will respect their desire to not speak if they don't want to, but you'll get all up in a woman's personal business and tell her to smile more.

**Ephemer:** Apparently!

**Ava:** Dope. Now to disguise me desperately wanting you to fuck off and leave me alone as a request for you to be well rested for meeting your friend tomorrow.

**Ephemer:** Done and done! *gets up and starts to run away before stopping and turning back* Glad we got the chance to talk again! *bows* You know, you really _should_ smile more, you'd be more approachable that way.

**Ava:** I will literally profit from your dead body.

**Ephemer:** OKAY BYEEEE~! *runs off*

**Ava:** I just remembered that he's part of my super secret group of super secret children and now I fear for the future even more. *watches dandelion seeds float along in the breeze* SAID SUPER SECRET GROUP OF SUPER SECRET CHILDREN IS CALLED THE DANDELIONS, 'CAUSE I'M HOPING THEY'LL FLOAT AWAY TO ANOTHER PLANET AND START FRESH OR WHATEVER. GEDDIT!? DO YA GEDDIT!?

~I don't get it.~


	3. Okay For Real Do Any Of These People Even Remotely Like Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Just got a new laptop and let me tell you going from twenty-eight gigs of space to a whopping two hundred thirty seven is** _**nice:**_ _The Princess Bride, Harry Potter, Metal Gear Solid, Firefly, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Young Frankenstein,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _Fullmetal Alchemist, Deadpool,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~Nice to see all of these close good friends getting along with one another.~

**Ira:** *is turning a page in the Book of Prophecies when Invi walks in* Oh hey, what's up.

**Invi:** HEY I'm snitching on Gula and Aced teaming up just like Aced predicted I would. I don't like it when I make Aced look halfway intelligent but clearly I had no choice in the matter despite the Master explicitly telling me that I totally have a choice.

**Ira:** So the really obvious person was the traitor after all and there's absolutely no way he's a red herring of any kind, fantastic.

**Invi:** Oh I _totally_ think he's a red herring.

**Ira:** I am disbelief.

**Invi:** Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: Aced thinks that _all_ the unions should ban together to oppose the encroaching darkness – well, maybe not yours because of the obvious grudge he has against you – because he thinks that strength in such large numbers will give us an actual chance. His heart's in the right place, even if his methods are a little iffy and directly contradict what the Master wanted; therefore I don't think he's evil so much as misguided, which isn't enough to go on, frankly.

**Ira:** *stands up* And yet you just pointed out that the Master didn't want union team-ups but Aced still went along with it anyway!

**Invi:** ...You ever get the feeling that just blindly trusting a person who is so concerned with concealing their identity is a little bit not great?

**Ira:** Not really, we never take our masks off either; I have no idea what any of you look like. I barely even know what _I_ look like.

**Invi:** Fair, I guess. I mean at least we know each other's names...Look, I'll talk to Gula, try and make him see reason.

**Ira:** Maybe I should talk to him; I'll be real, I'm a little suspicious of him as well.

**Invi:** In which case I should _definitely_ be the one to talk to him. If you do it, it'll just piss of Aced even more, and then we might _really_ lose him to the darkness.

**Ira:** ...Okay I'll give you that one. Just don't fuck it up, yeah?

**Invi:** I'll try. Also Aced knows I have to constantly spy on everyone but he doesn't think I should snitch to you about every single finger twitch and bowel movement, so you won't be seeing as much of me for a bit to make him a bit happier. That cool with you?

**Ira:** Oh thank Christ, I hated that shit anyway, you did _not_ need to go into as much detail with everyone as you seemed to think.

**Invi:** Yeah that may have been a bit much on my part. *leaves*

**Ira:** *sits back down and reopens the Book of Prophecies*

**Darkside:** *is clearly illustrated on one of the pages*

**Ira:** *wants to turn the page but he just can't stop staring at that brick shithouse of a Heartless*

~A few months later...~

**Aced and Gula:** *walk back into the storage room place thing*

**Gula:** *abruptly stops* Okay I'm bored and I quit.

**Aced:** Dafuq?

**Gula:** Yeah the alliance thing isn't working out so Imma bounce.

**Aced:** ...The actual hell, man.

**Gula:** Look, I know you wanted to stop the apocalypse or whatever, but literally nothing has happened. It has been _months,_ Aced. Nothing's happened, shit's calm as hell, and no one else wants to join you. *sits up on one of the boxes again*

**Aced:** But just because things are calm now doesn't mean they always will be! Constant vigilance and all that, you know?

**Gula:** Yeah but there's still not much of a point. Invi pointed out that all of our unions are committed to fighting the darkness anyway, so what exactly would be the point of maintaining an alliance between just our two groups when all five are fighting a common enemy anyway? *blinks* Ah shit.

**Aced:** So you were talking with Invi, were you!?

**Gula:** I shouldn't have said that. I should _not_ have said that.

**Aced:** You'd listen to _her_ over me, when you _know_ she reports everything we do to Ira!?

**Gula:** Look, she's calmed down considerably, she's not even watching through the window as we pee anymore!

**Aced:** That...is actually a considerable relief, I was getting really annoyed with that. Is that sexual harassment? It feels like it should be, or something of that caliber...

**Gula:** The point is, I actually came to the decision on my own. I would've quit even if I'd never talked to Invi because, as I said, I am _bored as shit_ right now.

**Aced:** *clenches his fist, grabs Gula by his collar, and hoists him up to his level* But we don't even know who the traitor is yet!

**Gula:** ...I thought you said you didn't think there was a traitor.

**Aced:** Months have passed and I changed my mind!

**Gula:** ...In any case, if you're going to react this violently every time someone disagrees with you, then I'm _really_ quitting. You are scary, and it's only a matter of time until you hurt someone without meaning to. You should see someone, man, I'm serious.

**Aced:** … *lets him go and stares at the floor*

**Gula:** *adjusts his robe and sighs* And Ava wonders why I'm so aloof and standoffish. It's because of shit like this that I don't trust anyone, you know?

**Aced:** Listen, I'm sorry, but I really think we're stronger when we're together! What if something happens to you and there's no one around to help you?

**Gula:** *places his hand on the doorway* After this little display of yours, I'm not sure I want your kind of “help.” *leaves*

**Aced:** *watches him go, clenching his fists again* I'm going to place the blame on what just happened on Invi instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. That can only lead to something positive!

~It saddens me how much material I have to work with considering the behavior of certain people at present...~

**Aced:** *enters the door to the Master's study/office/room thing*

**The words “Case of Aced”:** *appear on a couple of books stacked on top of each other which is an ironic choice considering he probably can't even read ha ha it's funny because he is big and dumb that's the joke why aren't you laughing*

**Aced:** *looks around*

**Master of Masters:** *appears behind him* Kept you waiting, huh?

**Aced:** Nah, just got here like twelve seconds ago.

**Master of Masters:** Shiny. *sits down at his desk* Soooo? What'd you want to talk to me about?

**Aced:** I-I don't understand, Master, I didn't want to speak to you about anything! N-Not that I don't enjoy your company, but you're the one who called _me_ here! I was perfectly content catching up on old podcasts while level grinding in _Dragon Quest XI_ when I got your message, which means that _you_ wanted to talk to _me_ about something, doesn't it? Or is this a complete waste of time and I should just leave now?

**Master of Masters:** ...I was just busting your balls, man, you really need to work on your sense of humor or lack thereof.

**Aced:** ...I really prefer when people just get to the point and don't mess around...

**Master of Masters:** Yeah but I'm wacky and you love me for it.

**Aced:** Big assumptions there...

**Master of Masters:** Ah! See? You _can_ joke! That was a good one!

**Aced:** ...Sure.

**Master of Masters:** Okay so here's your specific job for after I'm dead or whatever. You're gonna be Ira's second-in-command.

**Aced:** Wut.

**Master of Masters:** Yep! Sound good?

**Aced:** Not really! What does that even mean!?

**Master of Masters:** It means I'm giving Ira my old job once I'm gone. _Really_ not that hard to figure out. And you'll be his number two! Or his number one, I guess — I mean, he'll _be_ number one, so... *turns a page in the Book of Prophecies* Just do what he says, support him in every way, and don't fuck up. Probably the easiest gig, honestly.

**Aced:** Okay but why the fuck is _Ira_ going to be leader when _I'm_ the biggest toughest one of us!?

**Master of Masters:** Because he has Star Platinum? _Duh?_

**Aced:** HE ALMOST GOT TAKEN OUT BY A COUPLE OF _RATS!_

**Master of Masters:** You sound insanely jealous right now.

**Aced:** O-Of course not! It's n-not like I _wanted_ his job or anything, b-b-b-baka!

**Master of Masters:** ...You see, I have a special knack for telling whether someone's being truthful. And I don't often make mistakes. Have you ever noticed how the face often glistens with sweat? That's normally the first tell. But what's important is the sweat's _flavor. That's_ the tell-tale sign. *audibly licks his lips*

**Aced:** ...I feel very uncomfortable right now.

**Master of Masters:** Oh, for real? Shit, I apologize, I'll back off.

**Aced:** Thanks. A-And I wasn't lying anyway, honest. I mean...if I _had_ been offered the job I would've accepted with quiet dignity and grace—

**Master of Masters:** Oh, you mean like how you're accepting the role I've just given you right now? With quiet dignity and grace?

**Aced:** I—

**Master of Masters:** You were _that_ desperate for a position of power over everyone else around you, weren't you? To be seen as the strongest one around and for everyone to defer to you.

**Aced:** ...I mean I feel like a bear can take a unicorn pretty easily, 's why I chose this animal in the first place...

**Master of Masters:** Really? Thought it was for a completely different reason. Ah well, point is, actual leadership is about more than just how physically strong and imposing you are. Sure, you'd be able to boss people around and few would backtalk because of how scared they'd be of you, but you'd actually have to, y'know, _lead._ Ira's taken the classes and you elected to just swing your Keyblade around some more to bulk up further.

**Aced:** ...I'm not arguing that Ira _wouldn't_ be a great leader, because he would, but—

**Master of Masters:** Excellent, we're done here.

**Aced:** W-Wait! Why do we _need_ a new leader in the first place? You taking a vacation or something?

**Master of Masters:** Did...I told you Ira would be taking over for me once I _died_ or whatever's gonna happen to me. How did you miss that.

**Aced:** ...Was too distracted by you proclaiming Ira as your next replacement instead of me...

**Master of Masters:** Huh. I feel like this sort of self-centered behavior would've been trained out of you by this point...unless that was exactly what I was searching for, which is likely. Also your reaction time is terrible.

**Aced:** Yeah that wasn't me being stupid, that was me absorbing terrible information and working through shock and appearing to shut down while doing so, it happens, you've seen _Chernobyl._

**Master of Masters:** Granted. Anyway, I don't know if I'm _really_ gonna be leaving in some way except I totally do and I totally am.

**Aced:** Then why do all this?

**Master of Masters:** Oh come on, bud, you of all people know how important it is to plan ahead. Anyway, you do realize how important it is for you to be Ira's main support, right? He's always overthinking things, so it'll be your job to get him off his ass and actually do things on occasion.

**Aced:** Okay...?

**Master of Masters:** Which is actually why you'd be great as second-in-command; Ira needs someone stalwart like you to keep him on the straight and narrow! It's actually the most important job if you think about it! *claps his hand on Aced's shoulder*

**Aced:** I don't understand.

**Master of Masters:** Of course you don't. Thing is, who knows if I'm actually making the right choice by having Ira as my replacement? I could be making a huge mistake! If Ira stars fucking up, he might need to go, and then you could easily take over with the excuse that Ira sucks now and that this was your role, to take over if this ever happened! And then _you_ would be in charge, just like you always wanted! The only thing on the line is our impression of you in every walk of life.

**Aced:** *gets super excited* When I'm leader, there will be changes. *poses dramatically* That day, all female Keyblade wielders will be required to wear... _TINY MINISKIRTS!_

**Master of Masters:** Uh-huh, and what kind of fan-servicy outfit will the dudes be wearing?

**Aced:** ...Uh—

**Master of Masters:** See, this is why you're not getting the gig immediately. We have fans who are into men too, you know.

**Aced:** Oh, right.

**Master of Masters:** Yeah, I suggest taking a couple of night classes on the down-low so you're prepared to step up when Ira falters. At any rate, may your heart be your guiding key, and may you choose to step up when Ira _actually_ causes problems for everyone instead of you getting buttmad that he's merely suggesting that everyone eat more vegetables and trying to discredit him for that alone.

**Aced:** Shit, there goes that plan.

~A few months later...after he and Gula broke up, presumably...~

**Aced:** Fucking hell, it's been a _year!?_ I should've taken over back when Ira made the mistake of announcing his witch hunt. Meh, better late than never, I guess. Also I am evidently fighting Invi right now. *swipes down on her from _really_ far above*

**Invi:** *goes flying backward* Huh, remember it being a bit brighter out during the quest levels when this happened. *struggles to re-summon her Keyblade*

**Aced:** *swipes at her again*

**Invi:** *blocks him just in time but gets pushed back and soars through the air*

**Aced:** *leaps after her*

**Invi:** *keeps blocking his attacks as they run across the sides of several connecting houses because they also maybe know Flowmotion it's not a hundred percent clear*

**Aced:** *forces her through the cobblestone ground beneath them, creating a cloud of rubble and swiping the air in front of him to send a beam of light at her*

**Invi:** *manages to deflect it and then blocks his attack once again*

**Aced:** _LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!_ *pushes her back to the point that she lets go of her Keyblade and does a back flip to avoid him, performing a superhero landing in front of him while her Keyblade stabs itself into the ground behind him*

**Invi:** *pants heavily and slowly rises* All I'm trying to do is protect the balance between light and darkness! You know, that thing our Master wanted us to do? _Our literal job descriptions!?_

**Five flower petals floating in the water:** *drift apart from each other because we are very stupid children who need symbolic representation that the five “main” characters of this movie are drifting apart from each other instead of just watching what's fucking happening on screen, we _get it_ *

**Invi:** Anyway, maybe stop immediately jumping to violence every time you don't one hundred percent agree with someone and _maybe we won't have this fucking problem!_

**Gula:** *is hiding behind a different building*

**Aced:** WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WANTING TO STOP THE APOCALYPSE!? *walks forward* Sometimes you need to break the rules in order to save lives! Maybe the Master was wrong about things!

**Invi:** YOU TAKE THAT THE FUCK BACK! Our Master was never wrong about anything!

**Aced:** Bitch he _told_ you to try thinking for yourself for once, and he admitted to me when he gave me my role that _he_ might've been wrong about Ira! *clutches his Keyblade which now has an eyeball Keychain which probably signifies that he _is_ falling to darkness since that's usually what that means* Also he's _not fucking here anymore,_ so it's not like he can stop us anyway! I am going to work to _prevent_ the apocalypse from happening, whether any of you like it or not! AND I AM APPARENTLY FINE WITH MURDERING THE FUCK OUT OF ANYONE WHO GETS IN MY WAY, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE! _X-STRIKE!_ *swipes his Keyblade in an X motion creating two white beams in an X shape that move toward Invi*

**Gula:** ...Isn't that move from _Chrono Trigger?_ Wait, no, you need two people for that...

**Invi:** I mean no offense, but you are a shitbag. *leaps into the air, summons her Keyblade, and uses our first glimpse of Water magic to negate Aced's X-Strike*

**Aced:** ...Okay that was pretty cool, not gonna lie.

**Invi:** *launches herself forward, slicing at Aced, who blocks just in time, and uses Thunder magic to send him skidding backward*

**Aced:** *uses his Keyblade to slow to a stop, before collapsing to his knees*

**Gula:** ...Well there was a swing of a Keyblade, but no bells are ringing, so that probably means Aced _isn't_ the traitor after all. He's just idiotically going off and doing his own thing, which is bad in and of itself but at least he's not going to cause the apocalypse right here and now. And nor is Invi, I guess. That's...kind of comforting, honestly, though it does narrow things down considerably, unless of course it's just not this specific battle as of yet...

**A Chirithy:** *comes running forward*

**Ava:** *comes running after them*

**Gula:** Ah shit, now I have to get involved. *speaks up* Yo Ava!

**Ava:** I heard explosions, what's happening?

**Gula:** Ask _them._

**Invi:** *is closing in on Aced, Keyblade raised*

**Ava:** *runs up to them with Gula* The _actual_ fuck is going on!?

**Invi:** Nothing much, just found the traitor, sadly.

**Ava:** Is it sad that you think it's Aced or is it sad that you found out. Also I don't believe you, Aced's our _friend,_ he wouldn't do that? Right? *looks to Gula for help*

**Gula:** *summons his Keyblade and faces Aced* I'm just rolling with it at this point. And, frankly, we never see how this fight starts, but the only conclusion I can come to is that either he and Invi were having a heated argument when _one_ of them drew their weapon first...or he just started attacking Invi out of nowhere. We'll never know how it began but the fact that it's so easy to picture my second scenario says a lot of things about how Aced's behavior has ultimately shaped our negative perceptions of him.

**Aced:** Oh come on, I am _not_ that bad!

**Ava:** ...Yes, you are. *also summons her Keyblade and faces Aced*

**Aced:** *stands, facing his three former friends, and raises his Keyblade* “May my heart be my guiding key” is a phrase that can easily be twisted to mean whatever you want it to mean, who would've thought.

**Invi, Gula, and Ava:** *brace themselves for the attack*

**Aced:** *launches himself forward*

**Camera:** *pans upward to the top of one of the surrounding houses because they just _had_ an awesome cutscene Keyblade battle and this is only an hour-long movie with a limited budget, there's no time to make another one*

**Utterly destroyed bridge surrounded by collapsing rubble:** Shame, that would've been cool to see, I mean look at this damage.

**Camera:** *pans around the lower level of the town some more*

**Gula:** *is leaning against the wall, looking at the Lost Page* You thought Aced was the traitor, BUT IT WAS I, GULA! Except it's not me either, as will be explained in the following scene.

~Actually the following chapter because this movie is annoying.~


	4. PLAY THE MOBILE GAME DO IT DO IT YOU COWARD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I may have gone too far here...:** _Airplane!,_ the former Super Best Friends Play channel, _The Room, Harry Potter, Family Guy, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Good Place, Doctor Who, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, The Princess Bride,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Square Enix.

~I feel like things've been a little too intense lately. Let's ease into this chapter, shall we?~

**Master of Masters:** *is reading the Book of Prophecies* Yes...Yes... _Yes_...Oh this is so good...So right...Oh, _yes_...

**Gula:** *walks in behind him* Hey man, what's up?

**Master of Masters:** Yeah, do it...Such a _big_ Keyblade...

**Gula:** *craning his neck to look* The hell?

**Master of Masters:** Oh, right there, right there, there, there, _there, there,there, there, THERE!_ _**YYYYEEEESSSSS!**_

**Gula:** Ah. Ahem. Please put a sock on the door next time you're openly jerking it to written pornography, Master.

**Master of Masters:** Huh? Oh, no, I was just reading the apocalypse section again, I tend to get overly excited at action sequences.

**Gula:** I can _see_ lotion and tissues right on the desk.

**Master of Masters:** That's hand sanitizer and I have a mild allergy to cat dander. The fuck did I model all the Chirithies off of cats...Anyway, sorry for the confusion, please, stick around. *flips to a different section of the Book* Found it! *rips out a page, stands up, and hands the page to Gula*

**Gula:** *takes it* What's this?

**Master of Masters:** A piece of paper, but that's not important right now. Least, not as important as what's written on it. Have a look.

**Gula:** ...It _looks_ like it's from the Book of Prophecies, but I've practically memorized that whole tome by now and I've never—

**Master of Masters:** Yeah, because I tore that page out of all your copies.

**Gula:** Okay, gimme another thirty seconds...Holy shit!

**Master of Masters:** Yep, there's gonna be a traitor. It is your role to keep this information to yourself and to weed them out before it's too late. Which, you won't, but it'll give you something to do in the meantime. Should be pretty simple, honestly—

**Gula:** So the reason you gave us all side projects is because if anyone tries to not do them for any reason, that means they're the traitor! That's pretty smart, actually!

**Master of Masters:** ...Dude I had a whole thing going here.

**Gula:** Oh, I didn't notice.

**Master of Masters:** Look I know I'm overdramatic and hammy but that's kind of why I'm basically the only thing people like about this movie. Would it kill any of you to act at least similarly!?

**Gula:** Yes. Yes it would. And besides, I was right, wasn't I.

**Master of Masters:** Yeah, I'm just pissy. *sits back down* Anyway, keep this shit on the down-low. Do _not_ suddenly announce that you think there's a traitor amongst the five of you, that'll just sow distrust amongst _all_ of you and things'll go downhill even faster. Which is probably exactly what I want but just roll with it.

**Gula:** Got it. *clenches fist, page still in hand*

**Master of Masters:** Hey, easy, that's the only copy of that page now!

**Gula:** Oh, sorry!

~Honestly surprised Gula didn't memorize the Page and then destroy it, or have I been watching too much _Black Sails._ ~

**Gula:** *is once again looking at the Lost Page in the dark after the battle before storing it back in his robe* I mean it still _might_ be Aced, since even if his role is to take over from Ira should Ira fuck up that doesn't mean he should attack Invi out of fucking nowhere. Unless Invi totally struck first, I _hate_ how we don't know how that battle began... *walks through the lower levels of Daybreak Town while the camera lingers on him for a weirdly long amount of time for some reason*

~...So things are going well!~

**Aced:** *is collapsed against the boxes in the warehouse place thing* Well that was a...fantastically framed...battle of wits... *is panting heavily*

**Gula:** *ambles in*

**Aced:** Oh, hey, bud. *is clutching his stomach* Could've gone...easier on me, you know...

**Gula:** Yeah but you need to learn to deal with a break-up better.

**Aced:** So you...resorted to physical violence?

**Gula:** Yep, learned it from watching you.

**Aced:** Heh...Guess I...had that coming...

**Gula:** Yes you did. *walks forward* Anyway, wanna know what my side job is, completely unprompted?

**Aced:** ...Sure, I guess...?

**Gula:** So the Master gave us all copies of the Book of Prophecies that were each missing a page.

**Aced:** *struggles to his feet, still clutching his stomach* Huh, I hadn't noticed.

**Gula:** Of course you didn't, I doubt you read it at all. Can you even read?

**Aced:** Okay now you're just being mean.

**Gula:** That's not an answer.

**Aced:** Just tell me about the missing page.

**Gula:** ...Thing is, Ira was totally right about there being a traitor. And I'm supposed to stop them. *summons his Keyblade*

**Aced:** ...Everybody betray me. I'm FEDDAP widdis worl! *stands up straighter* I don't care what you think about me, or how you came to the conclusion that I was the one you were looking for.

**Gula:** I'll be real, I'm still not really sure, but you were only supposed to replace Ira if you thought he was doing the bad job, not appear to attack Invi out of nowhere for no reason! That is not part of your job description, I somehow know, therefore it makes sense that it could be you!

**Aced:** Oh yeah!? Well who's the bigger traitor? The traitor, or the person who finds out about the traitor and doesn't speak up about it?

**Gula:** ...The traitor, I was _supposed_ to keep quiet about it until someone made a mistake. You saw how Ira fucked it up by just announcing it and making everyone suspicious of each other, causing _all_ of us to potentially make mistakes instead of just the one person I would've been looking out for!

**Aced:** Don't care, you don't trust me, therefore you must die. *walks forward*

**Gula:** *backs up despite being armed* You're already half dead, bro, and despite my job description of stopping you I'd rather it not be through murder, so could you back off and surrender peacefully?

**Aced:** Enh...nah. *summons his Keyblade and strikes down at Gula*

**Camera:** *cuts to Ava running through the streets and into the warehouse only to see Gula's Keyblade vanish as he collapses to the floor*

**Ava:** WHAT THE SHIT! *bolts forward and slides in front of Gula, shielding him from Aced who is clearly keen to finish the job* HEY HOW 'BOUT YOU _DON'T_ MURDER OUR FRIEND!

**Aced:** He's _your_ friend, not mine.

**Ava:** I AM SMALL AND CUTE AND YOU _WILL_ BE GUILTED INTO LEAVING THE BOTH OF US ALONE!

**Aced:** Or so you think.

**Ava:** ...Welp, I'm out of ideas. *turns to better shield Gula's body with her own*

**Aced:** … *vanishes his Keyblade* So, you don't trust me either, huh. Probably evident by you taking Invi's side against me in that fight earlier, plus walking in on me beating the shit out of Gula and clearly about to finish him off probably didn't help matters, not to mention being completely ready and willing to kill you too just now...But I'm still buttmad that you didn't trust me, which is of course the main issue here and not that I cause everyone around me to constantly be in fear that I might get set off and hurt them at any minute, oh no, that's not the real problem, it's that no one trusts me because it can _never_ be my own fault. *limps out of the warehouse*

**Ava:** *waits until he leaves before dragging Gula upright* ...This is not a fun part of the lore.

**Aced:** *is hobbling along the lower level of the town, using the stone wall for support*

**Ira:** *is leaning against the opposite wall in front of a staircase* 'Sup.

**Aced:** ...Look, I already know you don't trust me either, so just put me out of my misery already. *slides down to the ground*

**Ira:** Yeah, how 'bout no. *walks up to him* All I want to do is be a decent leader, like the Master wanted me to be. And clearly I'm failing, because my other role was to make sure the apocalypse happened on schedule since the lore of the Keyblade War is already thing so there's really no escaping what's about to happen. Which means that I should've nipped this rebellious behavior in the bud before it all came to this, and that's on me. What we have to focus on now is making sure that light still lingers on after the war has concluded, which means _we_ have to survive, all five of us. And I guess only us five because I'm not sure I know about the Dandelions.

**Aced:** ...So you still think I'm one of the good guys?

**Ira:** *places his hand on his shoulder* Well obviously! It's not like you've killed anyone yet!

**Aced:** I was _about_ to kill Gula just now, though. Was even willing to cut through Ava to make sure of it. I nearly killed two of the five lights just now.

**Ira:** But you _didn't._

**Aced:** But I almost did and very much wanted to.

**Ira:** You still stopped, and that's what matters. There's a reason attempted murder gets a lighter sentence than actual murder.

**Aced:** Does it, though?

**Ira:** Of course! You've read _Harry Potter;_ if you're found guilty of murdering someone you get expelled but still get to live on the grounds, and if you only attempt to murder someone you maybe get a few weekends of detention and can't play sportsball anymore!

**Aced:** The more I think back on that series the more fucked up it is in hindsight. Also maybe you shouldn't base every single life decision on one series of children's books you were overly obsessed with as a kid to the point where it may have been a huge problem.

**Ira:** Nah, it's fine.

**Aced:** Fair enough. Anyway, now I think I finally get why the Master made you the leader over me after all. *accepts his help up* And it turns out I totally respected you all along once I got over this haze of jealousy and I'm glad we will never fight each other again ever under any circumstances ever. *leans against the wall again* But we still totally have a traitor, though.

**Ira:** So you finally believe me on that?

**Aced:** Had to talk it out more with Gula and get a second, more concrete opinion. Thankfully he had that Lost Page...

**Ira:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects _WHAAAAAAAAH!?_

**Aced:** Yeah, apparently none of us have that Page in any of our Books—

**Ira:** I know what it is.

**Aced:** Oh, then you know he's trying to use his specific knowledge that only he has access to in order to stop the traitor before it's too late, since that's what the Master told him to do.

**Ira:** That a fact...

**Aced:** Yeah, but since he thought it was me and I immediately tried to kill him after that conversation, we're probably not gonna be on the best of terms for some time. Also, even though _I_ condemned _you_ for starting a witch hunt when you came to the conclusion that there was a traitor on your own, I can't believe _he_ didn't start a witch hunt by telling _us_ that there was definitely a traitor. It's different when _you_ imply it could be any of us as opposed to _him_ singling me out specifically.

**Ira:** *places his hand on Aced's shoulder again* He may say it's his role, but did you see the Lost Page yourself?

**Aced:** ...I did not.

**Ira:** And you wouldn't have been able to read it if you had...Look, I'll deal with Gula. You grab an Elixir and rest up somewhere.

**Aced:** Good idea.

**Ira:** *walks away* I need to see that Lost Page for myself. And the audience has to see all the intricate details on my pretty bow.

~A few days later...~

**Ava:** *talking to Invi on some bridge* THE FUCK, BRO!?

**Invi:** Not a bro.

**Ava:** THE FUCK, BITCH!?

**Invi:** Better.

**Ava:** Why did you snitch us out to Ira like that!? It had to've been you because you were the only one who knew where we were hiding and also you always blab to Ira about everything we do all the time why am I shocked by this behavior.

**Invi:** Yeah this is nothing new.

**Ava:** But don't you think that that might've been bad to do? That Ira's so set on catching the supposed traitor amongst us that every minute finger twitch could be seen as an attack against him and he'd take immediate action, so maybe you _shouldn't_ have told him everything!?

**Invi:** Oh like you don't have your own weird shit going on!

**Ava:** Don't what-about this!

**Invi:** You already have your own union! And now you're taking all the biggest toughest kids from the rest of _our_ unions to form a brand-new _secret_ union!? How is that _not_ meant to be a show of offense against the rest of us!?

**Ava:** WHY DIDN'T WE TELL EACH OTHER ABOUT THE ROLES THE MASTER GAVE US AS SOON AS WE GOT THEM. THIS IS THE SIDE PROJECT THE MASTER TOLD ME TO DO SO I'M FUCKING DOING IT.

**Invi:** ...Yeah in retrospect that might've not been the worst idea...That's my bad, I fucked up.

**Ava:** I should not have expressed a completely justified negative emotion, that is bad for a female character to do.

**Camera:** This is a bridge they're standing on.

**Invi:** ...So what did Ira want from you, anyway?

**Ava:** Gula's location, which I refused to give. *turns away* His eyes...they were so...scary.

**Invi:** ...How could you tell, none of us ever take our masks off.

**Ava:** Yeah but his mask's eyes are red for some reason while the rest of ours are yellow.

**Invi:** Oh yeah, that _is_ weird.

**Ava:** Anyway I was pretty sure he was gonna murder Gula so I was like nah and he left.

**Invi:** Probably a wise move. How _is_ Gula, by the way?

**Ava:** ...I offered him a Megalixir and he fucked off, so hopefully he's okay but who knows.

**Camera:** *pans past Invi to a house behind her, FOR SOME REASON*

~Took me a second to realize this was a flashback to the scene Ava just described.~

**A Chirithy:** *is running across the empty bridge later that night, running down the stairs by the previously indicated house to find Ava and Gula huddling in an alley* You two have to leave now, someone's coming and I don't think it's one of the kids. Mostly because they're never around except for incredibly plot-specific cutscenes.

**Ava:** Thanks for the heads up. *pets Chirithy* Look after him for me, will you, his own Chirithy isn't appearing for some reason. *stands up and walks back up the stairs only to see Ira on the other side of the bridge* ...Shit. *runs up to him anyway* H-Hey, boss, what's up?

**Ira:** Gula is hiding in an alley somewhere and I am _going_ to find him. Make my job easier, will you?

**Ava:** ...No idea what you're talking about.

**Ira:** Yes you do. *walks past her*

**Ava:** I'm gonna fucking kill Invi. *as Ira passes* What're you gonna do once you find him.

**Ira:** Don't worry about it.

**Ava:** *runs in front of him and blocks his path with her arms outstretched* See, sentences like that make me _extremely_ worried about it.

**Ira:** The shit!?

**Ava:** I've already seen one of our friends attempt to murder Gula and I won't stand by and let it happen again, that clear?

**Ira:** Good grief...Fine, whatever. *turns and walks away*

**Ava:** ...Should probably wait until he's farther away before returning to exactly where I last saw Gula but I don't feel like it. *immediately turns to run back before Ira's taken more than a few steps away from her because she is a smart*

**Box:** *falls over once she's returned to the alley as Gula struggles to get up*

**Ava:** Hang on, I haven't given you my Megalixir yet!

**Gula:** Save it, you might need it more than I will. So what's going on?

**Ava:** Think Ira's out to kill you next. I told him to fuck off and then immediately ran back here before he completely walked away.

**Gula:** The _hell_ is he not here right now.

**Ava:** Don't know but I'm not complaining.

**Gula:** Well balls. Guess I should've figured.

**Ava:** Why's that?

**Gula:** I mean, the Lost Page isn't exactly inconspicuous if you've read the Book of Prophecies that many times.

**Ava:** The what now?

**Gula:** I didn't fill you in yet? Sorry, it's a page that the Master gave me out of his own Book that he tore out of all of our copies. My role was to keep the information on it to myself, but Ira figured out there was a traitor on his own. There's actually a lot of detail that goes into who the traitor is but I don't feel comfortable sharing it with _you_ of all people so I'll just tell you about a sigil that may or may not be complete bullshit. The description _actually_ goes into describing someone who doesn't want the apocalypse to happen so they start misinterpreting their role a whole bunch, but that could honestly apply to any of us, though maybe not Ira. Aced seemed like the most likely red herring so I went to confront him about it first, hoping to rule him out since he's honestly the one I'd been closest to up to this point. AND THAT TURNED OUT GREAT, DIDN'T IT.

**Ava:** ...The hell're you putting all this on me, I have two unions to run, one of them the biggest of all of ours and the other significantly more important than the first, I can't focus on your problems as well!

**Gula:** *places his hand on hers but no one will ever ship them because it's too straight* Well fuck me for opening up to someone I thought was a friend. See, shit like this is why I'm such a loner. But yeah, I hate how vague the description of the traitor is. I something more concrete. *grips her hand harder*

**Ava:** The hell're you gonna do that when you only have the one page to work with?

**Gula:** Easy, I'll just find the Master and ask him himself.

**Ava:** ...The Master's dead, man.

**Gula:** Is he, thought?

**Ava:** Good point. *sigh* Could be worse.

**Gula:** Oh don't worry, it'll could be worse very much so quickly.

**Ava:** How's that?

**Gula:** This is a Kingdom Hearts title, is it not? Imma summon the Moon Edition.

**Ava:** This is a one-hour movie and we have like fourteen minutes left, including credits! You don't have time to do that!

**Gula:** But I can't think of a bigger thing that'll force the Master to actually come back!

**Ava:** Summoning Kingdom Hearts is forbidden! You'd need decades of time to accumulate thirteen darknesses and seven lights!

**Gula:** We have _hundreds of thousands of Keyblade wielders_ at our disposal! *sits up and clasps her hand between both of his own* We can just have them collect hearts by murdering Heartless after Heartless and pretend they're still collecting lux! It's not the _real_ version of Kingdom Hearts but it is _a_ version, and instead of like a year with one or three Keyblade wielders we could probably get it done in a week! The rules the Master set for us will lead to the apocalypse and _I don't want that!_ Please, help me with this! I am reaching out to someone for the first time, choosing to let my guard down and trust you! Please...don't let me down...

**Ava:** ...It kinda sounds like you're misinterpreting your role because you're desperate to stop the apocalypse. And we have no idea how badly putting another moon into orbit will fuck up the planet. *removes her hand from his and instead clasps both of his hands in hers* I believe the Master set those rules up for a reason, and that anything we do to go outside of them will cause a self-fulfilling prophecy. You...You put your faith in the wrong person.

**Gula:** ...Well I hope you remember that. *stands and begins to limp away*

**Ava:** Okay at _least_ take a Hi Potion.

**Gula:** No. You've done enough. *puts his hand to his chest* May your heart be your guiding key.

**Ava:** You talking to me or yourself?

**Gula:** Oh _definitely_ myself, you can fuck off. *continues to limp away*

**Ava:** *remains kneeling in the alley* Stop, don't, come back.

~We having fun yet?~

**Ava:** *talking to Invi again after the flashback happened* Anyway, Gula's working on collecting more house points right now.

**Invi:** Funny, Aced and Ira are as well. They say they're trying to maintain the balance, but it's never really about balance and more about making sure good far outweighs the bad, which while ideal isn't the actual definition of “balance” in this case, now is it.

**Ava:** Yeah that shit never made any sense.

**Invi:** Also a good thing done for selfish reasons isn't necessarily a good thing. Good doesn't have a lot of value if you're not doing it of your own volition. Your motivations are corrupt and you're expecting moral dessert instead of just doing good things for no other reason than it's the right thing to do. And how many house points a person earns per week is more of a way of saying “Look how much better I am than you! I'm actually _paying_ for a higher score while you're still telling yourself this is free-to-play! What a complete loser you are for not being able to afford better shit with your incredibly limited in-game currency!” It's rarely about actually fighting back the forces of darkness. And if enough people get pissed off to the point of having had enough of the current system, then trolling online will turn into outright harassment and possible arrest-able offenses. It'll be an all-out war amongst the fandom. Oh and also children will murder each other or whatever.

**Ava:** Meaning the apocalypse will happen after all.

**Invi:** And everyone'll die, except apparently the five of us.

**Ava:** Oh it'll be _way_ more than just us five, but that's not important right now. What're _you_ gonna do next?

**Invi:** Go to Disney World one more time before it shuts down indefinitely, and then work on gathering my own house points because fuck it, my union's doing that anyway so why not. And you might as well, too, since everyone who was consistently in the top ten as of two years into the mobile game's western release was always from Vulpes anyway, _plus_ you have that super strong group. We gotta put off this apocalypse shit as long as possible.

**Ava:** ...I mean you just said that fighting over house points is what's going to cause the apocalypse and your proposed solution is to make our kids fight even harder over house points but sure fine whatever. *watches Invi walk away*

~Our family was actually in Orlando visiting the parks the week before everything happened because we're white and we drove eighteen hours and we'd already paid for tickets and we “deserved” to have a nice week's vacation and I am _shocked_ that none of us got sick. Been self-isolating since we got back aside from the mother person who's been deemed essential but still, the fuck was wrong with us.~

**Ava:** *is standing near the fountain, off to the side by patches of grass and dandelions that're growing in the gaps between the stones, and kneels down to admire them* I've always found dandelions pretty, I don't know why everyone hates them so much—AH SHIT A FLASHBACK!

**Camera:** *zooms into her mask's eye*

**Ava:** Oh good, my turn for this crap. *is in the Master's study*

**Camera:** *has to pan away to a bookshelf with the words “Case of Ava” engraved onto it*

**Master of Masters:** *closes the Book of Prophecies that he'd been reading* So yeah, for the last time, it's the Book of _Prophecies._ It can tell the fucking future. The last page is set in stone, and any attempt to stop the planet from imploding will probably result in a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway.

**Ava:** *clenches fists* But I thought time could be rewritten!

**Master of Masters:** Unless you've read it. But not _all_ hope is lost, just most of it. And that's where you come in. Aside from Luxu, you're the one with the most important side project of all. Now take a deep breath and let me lay all of the pressure in the universe onto your tiny shoulders. *walks up to her*

**Ava:** Oh good...

**Master of Masters:** *places his hand on the top of her head* Don't fight anyone or anything because you need to stay alive more than anyone, ignore any and all inter-House rivalries, and find all the coolest and strongest children you can. Create a secret club for the best of the best. Then, like the seeds of a dandelion — ooh, I just came up with your new team name — let these new kids fly to another planet. Or universe, it's not a hundred percent clear. Are we about to create Radiant Garden after all the data bullshit's all said and done, is that what's happening here? If so, awesome, that'll definitely keep the light alive and allow life to continue, as well as keeping going with the flower motif.

**Ava:** I'm not too sure I can handle all this...

**Master of Masters:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Ava:** Hmm. Okay!

~I'll be overusing that line a lot and I don't really care.~

**Clock tower:** *exists*

**Ava:** *is standing in front of the fountain and addressing a bunch of really basic NPC characters* Our secret club will now speak in broad daylight about our activities. I already told Invi about this so Ira won't bother us but I don't know what you're gonna tell any of the other random kids that might walk by and overhear this, and frankly I don't really care, this is more important. You kids are our hope for the future, that life may continue on after the apocalypse.

**Some of the children:** I see maybe two people here with a darker skin tone, what's up with that.

**Ava:** Now, everyone wants to protect the universe from its inevitable implosion, but no one knows the best way to go about doing that, and thus will escalate immediately to violence in order to defend their beliefs, considering that the brain registers an alternate argument as an actual physical attack if you disagree too strongly with it on a fundamental level. I want you to stay out of that conflict as much as possible, but beyond that I honestly don't know how much I can do to help. Anyone can succumb to darkness, and I've only chosen all of you because you're _less_ likely to do so. Everyone's a loser in their own way, except for this group right here, who will stay out of the conflict altogether and fuck off to space, hopefully finding a new universe where you'll be able to repopulate.

**Other children:** Hey wasn't Skuld supposed to be here?

**Ava:** So don't fuck this up, let all your friends outside of this group die, and may your hearts be your guiding keys.

**All of the children:** ...Well that was cheerful.

~So now we finally have context for...a total of two and a half scenes from the mobile game. Huzzah.~

**No Name:** *exists*

**Book of Prophecies:** *also exists*

**The words “Case of Luxu”:** *are on a couple of pieces of paper under a glass vial full of purple liquid being used as a paper weight*

**Luxu:** Okay is the Keyblade called the Gazing Eye or is it just the eyeball part. Also I thought we already did my bit. *lowers Keyblade

**Master of Masters:** We _teased_ your bit, now we're actually getting into it. And no, the Gazing Eye is not the name of the Keyblade.

**Luxu:** Oh, what is it, then? Hell, what are _any_ of our Keyblades' names, I couldn't find anything on the wiki.

**Master of Masters:** That's because none of them have names.

**Luxu:** Imma call this one No Name, then.

**Master of Masters:** Honestly, the Gazing Eye _would_ have been a pretty appropriate name considering I shoved my eyeball into it.

**Luxu:** You use Sticky Fingers to take out your eyeball or something?

**Master of Masters:** Sure, let's go with that.

**Luxu:** Also why's this chaotic piano playing in the background, I'm feeling very on edge over here.

**Master of Masters:** Working as intended, then. Now then, Ava's got the most important role in terms of keeping life going throughout the universe, but _you've_ got the most important role in terms of overall plot. You're going to eventually gain an apprentice of your own, and you're going to pass that Keyblade down to them, and ensure that they pass down that Keybade to _their_ apprentice. Basically I need my eyeball to travel forward in time so I can continue to see time progress so I can _write_ the Book of Prophecies in the first place.

**Luxu:** ...Hold up, does that mean I already—

**Master of Masters:** *points at him* Ya sure did! The fact that it exists means that you totally succeeded! Will succeed. Time travel's confusing. Anyway YAAAAAAAY! *applauds* ...Dude what's wrong? You know, you should smile more, you'd look a lot prettier if you smiled.

**Luxu:** How can you tell if I'm smiling or not, we're wearing hoods.

**Master of Masters:** Mostly body language and affectation. So what's up?

**Luxu:** I mean, just because everything's set up as if I've already done everything right, it doesn't mean I've actually _done_ it yet. And I can't exactly take it for granted that I'll get it right, either. I've still got to put the effort in to _make_ it so, right?

**Master of Masters:** That is an excellent work ethic. Especially since you'll be totally alone and won't even have the cheat sheet that _is_ the Book of Prophecies on you. Like you just pointed out, I don't want you getting _too_ complacent, or ripping apart the very fabric of time and space itself. That would be bad to do. But hey, you'll do fine, we've got the proof sitting right here!

**Luxu:** Why am I _always_ alone? Why don't you make Gula do this shit, he _likes_ being alone!

**Master of Masters:** Aside from it already being set in stone? Gula talks over me and ruins all my hammy performances and you don't, therefore I like you slightly more and trust you to do what I want. Like with this giant trunk thing over here. *goes to drag over the black box*

**Luxu:** *vanishes No Name and helps him drag the black box further into the room*

**Master of Masters:** Oh and watch over the others a bit, I know that's mostly Invi's job but you need to do your part as well by having your new Keyblade out at the time so I can write that shit down. And then, when the time is right, fuck off. With this. You'll know when.

**Luxu:** Can I ask what's in it?

**Master of Masters:** You sure can! Doesn't mean I'm gonna tell you! Also never open it. Ever. _Ever._

**Luxu:** Which makes me want to open it.

**Master of Masters:** Then we are at an impasse.

**Luxu:** Not if you tell me what's in it. Then I won't be curious.

**Master of Masters:** Out of the question.

**Luxu:** Master, I implore you to reconsider!

**Master of Masters:** Hmm. Okay! But you have to promise to keep it to yourself for generation after generation after generation, and to not even divulge this secret in the next title _or_ its DLC.

**Luxu:** Should be easy to keep it in the background and only use it as set-up for future titles if nothing else.

**Master of Masters:** Good. Also still don't open it.

**Luxu:** Once you tell me what it is, that'll be easy enough. *walks over to him*

**Master of Masters:** *bends down* I AM WHISPERING THE SECRET TO YOU IN SUCH A WAY THAT THE AUDIENCE CAN'T HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING SO THEY'LL HAVE A MYSTERY TO THEORIZE OVER WHICH WILL ACT AS INCENTIVE TO KEEP BUYING GAMES IN THIS FRANCHISE SO THEY CAN FINALLY LEARN ABOUT IT IN 2035 OR LATER!

**Luxu:** Well that's fine but I don't see how that affects _WHAAAAAAAA!?_

**Master of Masters:** Okay, fuck off, movie's nearly over. Buh-bye now! *waves*

~I mean I'm glad the movie's short but I'm also still butthurt that we didn't actually cover the Keyblade War itself.~

**Luxu:** *is standing with No Name next to the black box in the middle of a desert that may or may not be the same planet as Daybreak Town but is definitely the setting where the Keyblade War either will or has already taken place* ...May my heart be my guiding key, I guess...

**Black Box:** *exists*

**Reconnect Kingdom Hearts:** *appears on the screen*

**Credits:** *roll over images and overlapping clips of the movie you just watched*

**Square Enix:** Oh, you want to understand more than not at all? Then PLAY THE MOBILE GAME(S)!

~Not since the ending of the original _Berserk_ anime has an advertisement of the original source material been so blatant and frustrating.~


End file.
